We've devised a few scenarios to help you out with your problematic but very understandable situation...
But c’mon guys, cheating is kinda wrong... so how are you going to tell your partner you’ve fallen in love with a guitar? We’ve got a few ways you can break the news to your fleshy other half, so you can finally focus all your attention on your electric, long-necked beauty.
The ‘Let Them Down Gently’ Scenario
Okay, so you’re a nice guy. You’ve never done anything like this before; you’re always the gentleman, the romantic type, the sweet one. But this just hit you like Adam Richman taking his first bite of a ginormous pastrami sandwich.
I mean, this PRS SE Custom 24, it’s just THE ONE; with its open, crispy sound and mahogany body. Of course, you’ve been great babe, I don’t even deserve you, but sometimes you just have to go against all the moral fibres in your body follow your hear-
It was always going to happen, but at least you and your guitar have each other and can love without guilt.
>Bad break-up scale: 8
The ‘Straight Up’ Scenario
Sometimes just getting it out there straight away can give you the upper hand of surprise...
Girlfriend: “Hey, how good was Game of Thrones last night?”
You: “I’m leaving you - I’ve fallen in love with my Fender American Standard.”
You’ll be out of there so quick your partner will barely have a moment to decide whether you’re joking or not. Beware of the backlash though – soon as they realise that you were serious, stay at least 40 yards away from your ex at all times.
Bad break-up scale: 4
The ‘Perfect Moment’ Scenario
Sometimes, you just have to play the waiting game. Your partner is probably aware of your recent deceitful behaviour (like last night when you said, “Mmm yeah baby, you know I love your pointy horns in Cherry...”) and is just waiting for that dread-filled moment when you say that you’re in love with your Gibson SG.
When you do finally bite the bullet, expect your human counterpart to start smashing up your new love - especially when they find out that you bought the Extra Slim model.
Bad break-up scale: 9
The ‘PMT’ Way
How would we tell our partner that we'd fallen in love with a guitar? Easy. We'd blast the heartbreak out of their mind with our thrusting, unforgiving thrashing on our hot, 8 string Ibanez with the amp turned up to 11. It’ll blow their mind and they will instantly see sense... and probably make room for one more in the relationship.
Bad break-up scale: 0 – through SHEER awesomeness.
Now it’s time to find your perfect partner!
Illustrations by Ben Phelps.